Neither Could Dylan

Today we get to dive into the track that really spearheaded the direction of the Acceptance album as a whole – Happy! 

I was having trouble sleeping one night to the point of absolute frustration. I have difficulty sometimes turning my brain off and allowing me any sort of time to just exist – there is always something or someone vying for attention and at least a few times a week, it hurts too much to think.

So I turned over to my night stand and grabbed my phone and jotted exactly that down. “Honestly, it hurts too much to think.” 

It was repeating in my own mind so it must need somewhere else to go. 

I spilled out most of the lyrics for this one right then and there, the first couple verses anyway, thinking largely about how I was having so much trouble just focusing on what I was doing now rather than everything I had been going through over the last couple years. 

It’s occurred to me on more occasions than I can keep track of that when I was younger and not sober, all these thoughts that I’ve expressed to you in Acceptance but particularly those in “Happy” here, have always been in my mind in some capacity, vying for my attention but never receiving the relief that comes with me allowing them their own space. Instead I’d drown them with alcohol or mute them with weed and I imagine the next day’s hangover as them aggressively pushing themself up from the depths I condemned them to the night before. 

Now, without the crutches of my former vices, it was just them and me and neither of us can get any sleep because there’s a lot we don’t like about each other. 

Check out the Happy Acoustic-Bedroom Live on YouTube

Here are the official lyrics for Happy:

Honestly it hurts too much to think
Of you with anyone but me
And I’m not trying to be anything but happy

I let go so long ago it seems
But the extensions of these dreams still call and reach for me
And I’m not trying to do anything but sleep

When I think back to the day
Before all of this
and you
washed over me
The relief I crave
Seem as distant as the sea
From a mountain peak

And I’m not trying to say anything,
Okay?

This was all a big mistake
This was all a big mistake
This was all a big mistake
This was all a big mistake

This was all a big mistake
Fell apart and there I stay
Floating in the pool of apathy
Diluted by recovery
Affixed to the idea of
Who we were trying to be
This was all a big mistake
Fell apart and there I stay
Floating in the pool of apathy
Diluted by recovery
Affixed to the idea of a better way
to change

Honestly it hurts too much to think
Of you with anyone but me
And I’m not trying to be anything but happy

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The chorus that follows “this was all a big mistake,” is the part of this song that came last. After allowing myself to just sit with those thoughts that were keeping me up that make up all the verses ahead of it, I had to think about why they were there and what I was doing to keep them imprisoned with me. On some level I must feel as though I deserve to sit in this place of solitude and hurt and grief and on another level I absolutely don’t believe that’s true at all – I’m not some sort of terrible person so why do I let myself feel so terrible?

In “Loose Change” I talked about the sense of urgency that often dictated (and sometimes still dictates) a lot of my decision making in a way that ends up being destructive or at least counter-productive to my ultimate goals and well being. When trying to figure out the best way for me to continue to move forward I’d find myself trying too closely to listen to the voices of other people and what worked for them or didn’t work for them. In this way I’m still very much like a child – I assume other people who have lived longer or have had certain experiences know better than I do.

This is often proven to be incorrect. 

As an example during the initial course of my decision to quit drinking, I had all sorts of people try to convince me not to do that, saying things like “Just have one once in a while” or almost challenging me with things like, “you’ll be back”. It’s a really weird thing to say these types of things to someone who has expressed that they’re trying to change a habit that they don’t feel is serving them anymore. And then I realized, the people saying these very obviously stupid things to me now were the same people I’d often sought guidance from throughout my entire life. 

Now that’s sobering. 

I think as human beings we always think that somewhere out in the world exists a very obvious solution to any given problem of ours, especially now with all our fancy fun technology. It’s why people think they can use a pill to lose weight or that buying a car will somehow make their life better (until that car inevitably breaks down and you’re like wow and it costs how much to fix that?) or that if you pray to an omnipresent being all your world’s desires will eventually present them to you, or cure the cancer that is destroying your body without the chemotherapy science has proven it needs. 

And it’s just not true. There is no quick fix to most of the things that we struggle with. As part of the privilege of existing as a human being on this planet we are also gifted with the privilege of eternal struggle. Life is hard because it’s supposed to be hard. If you are one of the very lucky few who are living a life devoid of true struggle, which is to say your basic needs are met (food, shelter), you have extra cash in your piggy bank for a rainy day (or car brakes), are able to take trips to explore other countries and cultures, then I believe your purpose is a little different than others – it’s to help uplift those that aren’t there yet in whatever way you’re able to. To think that there are people on this planet who have millions or billions of dollars and they are not actively funneling that money into the hands of people who do not have essential needs being met every day is one of the most distressing parts about living on this planet to me. 

And so I often find myself in some way trying to do a little better or offer something of myself – but there is a fine line here and it’s part of what I’m talking about in “Happy”. 

You can’t really think clearly or help others until you’ve brought yourself to a point where you yourself are not constantly feeling apathetic or struggling with your own needs. You know what’s best for you but you have to be willing to trust yourself first.

And finally; What makes you happy? Go do that thing today. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for it. 

Listen to Happy wherever you stream & don’t forget you can order the album on CD through our online store. 

Check out the studio acoustic cut of Happy on Spotify or YouTube if you haven’t heard it yet

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Next time on the blog, I’ll share my thoughts on track 9: Without You.

In case you missed it, jump back to the overview blog about this record or follow the below index to read the previous blogs in this series:

Track 1: Tapes
Track 2: Chemical Therapy
Track 3: To Be Loved
Track 4: Skeleton
Track 5: Dismal
Track 6: Casual Conversation
Track 7: Loose Change
Track 8: Happy (you are here!)
Track 9: Without You
Track 10: Wishing Well