Neither Could Dylan

Today’s blog centers on track 7: Loose Change. 

Loose Change is a super simple song based on a true story. There isn’t much to say about the overall production choices here because the aim was to keep it all pretty minimal so that that story itself is the biggest focus. 

I’m always a little hesitant when I make the decision to share stories like this one because of how deeply personal it is to me, but more because I’m cautious of how I word things because I don’t want to in some way disparage others in the story. That’s never the purpose with any of these retellings. 

This is about getting engaged and why I think it was the worst decision both of us could have made at the time – a cautionary tale for anyone who might find themselves in a similar boat.

Check out the Loose Change Acoustic-Bedroom Live on YouTube

Here are the official lyrics for Loose Change; below I’ll explain what they’re going on about.

She noticed,
He looked nervous
About the price tags on the rings
She held his hand and assured him not to worry about a thing

She was raised to believe love shouldn’t be expensive
He was raised without knowing any different
The truth lies somewhere in between
A road with more forks than any other cutlery

Trying to get it right for the first time
Listing all the steps in a line
Long term planning without any sense of direction
Short-term attention and the barricade of questions

Now she scrapes together
The last of her loose change
To board the next bus, plane or train
Nowhere in mind, no place to lay
When anywhere is better than here
You can’t stay

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I got engaged in a sort of unconventional way. We had been together a few years and were already living together. Things had moved fast largely in part out of the basis of necessity – when both of our apartment leases went up within a month of each other, it just made more sense to move in together than to keep separate places and continue to travel a few times a week back and fourth between the two. Even with all of that we still had a roommate to help share our new 2-bedroom apartment in Davisville. And this was years ago before rent in Toronto really got out of hand – I imagine there are a lot of people today in the city making similar decisions because of climbing rents.

While it all worked out because we all got along fine enough and never had any issues, when I look back now this was probably our first of many poor rushed decisions. I had a habit of them in my early 20’s when there was always this feigned sense of urgency that I couldn’t quell.

After living together for a short time – a year or so, and after our roommate suddenly moved out, we took a trip to Iceland and Ireland. I’d splurged on plane tickets one day (that urgency) to surprise him with on Christmas. This was largely a selfish decision because I’d always wanted to drive the coast of Ireland – there just so happened to be a really cheap stopover flight to Iceland so I was able to kick that into the plans with relative ease – and who doesn’t want to go to Iceland? Might see the northern lights, there.

While eating at some random bar I can’t remember the name of now, but it was like a hip-hop spot where all they played was like wicked 90’s rap like “Check the Rhime” by A Tribe Called Quest, he popped the question.

I think hearing the question caught me as off guard as it did him as the words escaped his mouth. And again looking back there is a big part of me that wonders if he was only compelled to ask during this particular trip because I had splurged on such an extravagant trip.

He didn’t have a ring.

I still said yes.

I’d genuinely never really expected to be asked. I was never the type of girl who fantasized about getting married.

He spent the rest of the trip telling all sorts of strangers that we’d just gotten engaged and it made the whole trip about that from that point on and I spent much of the time wondering how I was going to tell people and probably not enough time wondering if we actually should be engaged.

There were a lot of small signs from that moment on that now we’re obviously little warning signs that this wasn’t the right time. I count the first as the moment we made our way to a jewelry store to make it really official with a ring like normal people do and I could tell he was hesitant.

I’d said yes without a ring at all but I felt like it wasn’t real until I had one, and I had no idea how long anyone goes without having one if they’ve already gone around telling people they were engaged. The whole thing was really confusing to me. And I knew the first thing my parents would ask when we told them (as we’d discussed we wanted to) was to see one.

I think if you feel like you need a ring or a wedding to prove the worth of your relationship, you’re in the wrong one and you aren’t ready for what you’re signing up for. It never mattered to me before and it certainly doesn’t matter to me now – I wish I had been stronger about holding those beliefs back then.

It was around this same time that I’d finally found a good therapist to help me understand the conflicts I’d spent a lifetime having with people in my family. You really can’t go wrong with ever talking to someone who is impartial to your life when you need some clarity, but it’s paramount that you find the right one. Because I’d started to improve all my relationships and was getting a much better understanding of my life and why certain things move or discourage me, I think a big part of me thought I was figuring things out well enough to just go ahead and keep on with the path I was on.

I didn’t understand how long it would take (and continues to take) for me to really figure out the person I both am and am trying to become.

And there are challenges that are in a lot of ways out of my control that make this more difficult than some people. I was in my mid 20’s (right on the cusp of that engagement) when I first learned about adult ADHD and how it impacts women and how many women and girls go a really long time without a diagnosis because it just isn’t researched as thoroughly as it is for men. This is true of most medicine and health in general – women have always gotten the shorter end of the stick here so it often takes a lot longer not just to get diagnosed, whether it’s mental or physical health, but also to get the right treatment. I find that really discouraging and depressing for everyone struggling with something unknown right now. It’s even harder for POC and that discourages me further for them, but that’s a whole other conversation.

It’s incredible when you find out something like that, ADHD in women, and it opens up your world almost for the first time and you’re met with an absolut outpouring of information that validates your emotions and experiences in a way that also says, “and now that you know, here’s what you can do to make things a little better.”

So I began a series of small changes that made massive impacts. I started to reduce my sugar intake because it fucks too much with my brain and body chemistry and makes the focusing issues brought on with the ADHD harder to manage. I returned to running to manage my stress and I was able to better manage my anxiety and depression by doing this. I started to find the right tools that help me get through my day better – make lists when you need to, use whiteboards, delegate what you can and don’t try to do absolutely everything yourself.

It would be years later that I brought myself to a point where I no longer see ADHD as any sort of hindrance but it’s own tool to be utilized when I want to push myself creatively. I never took or considered medication for this because I’d gone some 25 years without knowing I had the thing so why start that now? The realization that I’d spent some 25 years being challenged in ways that other people were not challenged in and pushing through them without any help or support and often excelling in most things I took on was encouraging, but I often wonder how different my life would’ve been if I had the benefit of knowing when I was younger and getting a handle on it much earlier in my life. I feel like it would have saved me a lot of heartache.

I strayed a fair bit from my original story here (now you know why I do) but it’s a critical part to this story because it was during these many years of self exploration and understanding that I had started to notice all those warning signs I was quick to brush off in my younger years.

We went through with the wedding even though by all accounts there were many times I wanted to call it off – a decision made in part by my adherence to rejection, rejecting and having difficulty expressing what I was really feeling and why because of the ADHD.

We stuck it out for 2 more years before I finally had the personal strength to call it off.

If you’re with someone and you often feel that you’d rather not be with that person; You’d rather be almost anywhere else doing anything but whatever it is you’re doing with them – go do those things. Give yourself that time. Don’t let anyone rush you into any decisions and try not to let your own mind fool you into thinking there is some urgency for anything in your life – you are in complete control. Go for a walk. Take a trip. Whatever brings you peace and comfort – you deserve the opportunity to find the things in life that make you truly happy.

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Listen to Loose Change wherever you stream & don’t forget you can order the album on CD through our online store. 

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Next time on the blog, I’ll share my thoughts on track 8: Happy. 

In case you missed it, jump back to the overview blog about this record or follow the below index to read the previous blogs in this series:

Track 1: Tapes
Track 2: Chemical Therapy
Track 3: To Be Loved
Track 4: Skeleton
Track 5: Dismal
Track 6: Casual Conversation
Track 7: Loose Change (you are here!)
Track 8: Happy
Track 9: Without You
Track 10: Wishing Well