Neither Could Dylan

In Through I’m continuing on reflecting on the ideas I introduced in Moonlight, but still struggling with a lot of difficult realizations. 

The big one that I want to focus on for this track is worthiness and the confusion that comes with feeling inexperienced with something that you’ve always thought would come more naturally or easily. 

I think I’ve mentioned, but I’m someone who has battled with depression since the time I was very young without ever knowing what depression was and as a result, no way of knowing how to combat it. Despite that, I’ve always felt more or less self-assured; smart, resourceful, capable of learning new things. I am self-reliant and very driven which are good traits, but they also led to me thinking that’s just the way life would and always should be. I never really leaned on anyone else or had any sort of expectation that I should, so in relationships I’d find myself being the one who picks up a lot of the slack that should really be shared between yourself and your partner. I just didn’t know any better.

I was also really bad at noticing how quickly this would devolve until I no longer felt like I was actually in any sort of partnership, but by then you’ve committed so much time and energy into something that you’re just hoping will turn itself around and there’s a certain level of denial there, too.  

For me obviously it wasn’t sustainable and by the end it all just felt really unfair. I felt used and manipulated and taken advantage of when I was just trying to keep myself and my partner happy. Until I realized this, I didn’t know how wildly unhappy and unloved I really felt. 

That’s sobering.

I’d think about all the great efforts I’d make for us, like picking up another job that had me working 7-days a week to keep us ahead of our bills and working down our debt, and then all the times I’d ask for something so small that would never get accomplished – like making sure there was cream in the fridge for our morning coffees. 

I was in these types of relationships for so many years that it had really beat me down. None of my personal achievements would ever be enough to counter how terrible this type of environment makes you feel once you’re aware of it. 

I’d find myself wondering why anyone would ever want to be with me if the things I required, which to me were so simple and so small compared to what I did for myself or for both of us, were such a challenge for them. 

I must be a really shitty person to deserve this type of love. 

There must be something wrong with me.

I must be an idiot.

What even is the point of any of this? 

I had to really work on rewiring my frame of mind after I left my ex and stopped communicating with a lot of people I used to hang out with who were contributing to this. 

I had to look long and hard at the type of love I was used to receiving, how it was presented and if that was the type of love I needed. What I learned was it wasn’t, it arguably never was and then I had to begin the difficult task of determining what love meant to me and what I would need in future relationships. 

And for all of that I had to start with myself because if I don’t love myself first how can I ever expect to be able to give my best to someone else or be sure that the person I was with was capable of what I needed?

And then I had to come to terms with the fact that these types of journey’s don’t really have destinations. 

Official Lyrics:
So I’m not who you thought
Or maybe I was
In either instance
It seems 
Unworthy of love 
At surface it’s nothing 
Merely a crush
But you been here before 
Me? 
Not even once 

Not even once 
Not even once 
Not even once 
Not even once 

I know not what you mean by
A little’s enough
Ever demanding
More than I’ve got 

More than I’ve got
More than I’ve got
More than I’ve got
More than I’ve –

I speak of ill-fated time
Within the fabric of us 
As though I must’ve been right
And that it came down to trust
But these roads that I follow
Lead to pews empty of you
So I must have misunderstood 
We travel through, not to 

Not to
Not to
We travel through,
Not to

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Keep listening and jump ahead to track 14: Feel Something (coming soon)